88th key

There it is, the last day, the last time i'll be entering into the halls. I remember the slim hallway, with the light all above, typical of a hotel room, not far away, the lifts with the few of the city. I stood outside, walking to and fro, my feelings, were quite plain, i had the usual nerves, the trembles, but other than that, my mind sort of strayed. It was my last time, why was i so distracted?
As i stepped into the small room, i didn't expect to see what i saw. Memories of grade one came flooding back, but i blocked them away. Things were quiet, the mere aura of the room screams fear and it weighed heavily upon me. I sat down quietly, and did played what i was instructed to play. Things were well , trembling went to the minimum. All of a sudden, at the start of the in thirds, the calm before the strom ended , and things came crashing down.
Every note i played, was a blur. I started several times, panic took me, i trembled badly. As i saw infront of me, my dreams were crashing. Everything went the opposite way, i could not control my fingers. Arpeggios were horrible, notes were blur,  dominants were like the sound of crashing cars. Dimished went worse among all the scales, i played the wrong thing, b flat was not so major in a diminished seventh. A wave of foul words overtook my mind, things took a turn for the worse.
Pieces. I was already shocked , scared and frightened. I started playing, my fingers were no longer mine, they had a mind of their own, speed went out of control, trills were more like a child smashing his or her fingers on the keyboard. Second piece: a climax of it's own. Things were stuck to their position, but that's where the mistakes originated from. The papers were stuck in between the spaces, a point that i realised but had not thought of the consequences. I started playing, had difficulty continuing a phrase, i had to do it over and over and again. I was frustrated, i had practiced, that i was sure of, but i guess maybe not enough. Just as i continued, somewhere around the last lines of the piece, the papers fell, they cover and sagged upon the keyboard, panic took me. The papers covered the bass notes, i could not play my left hand, the trills again sounded horrible. The ending : WAS HORRIBLE, i could not even finish the complete cadence. Dissapointment. Third piece, was utter rubbish. It lacked the clarity and the feeling that it needed. I was so terrified, nothing came through, nothing showed, everything was just as worse as how i played it a year ago.

Aural : great, i have more things to make me feel sick of myself. Just as i thought it could help me, by hearing all the bass notes clearly, having them in tune, in full, in pitch in my head, the voice that came out of my lips were like screeching brakes. It was completely out of tune, again, the messages my brain send were not received, every part of me had a mind of it's own. Identifying cadences and modulations were worse, all poor guessing. Explanations, were vague, i was clueless, i was useless. Sight reading was just a blow of wind during i hurricane, it wouldn't help much.

As i walked out, my heart sank. I crushed my own dreams, i saw the column and pillars that i built tumble down, my mind, accepted the fact that i had failed . All those years, of endless practice. Now my soul is empty. Everytime i hear the sound of the magnificent piano, my heart aches, for my love for it is limitless, yet, i know that i have no chance, that i could never be what i hear. The sound of stroke strings echoes in my empty heart, and it flows through my veins, filled with blood of ice, i want it's comfort, yet, it is the cause of my pain. I am lost, a drifting leaf, i am but only another wave in the sea, a moment in it's glory, but then, it falls upon itself , forever gone, unheard of .

Understand me

When we all of you finally realize, that i'm not that simple, you want to know more about me, take some of your time to understand me.. you want to know who i am, find out what i'm made of. I'm sick of people looking down on me, fuck, you don't know a thing about me.. When i open up to other people, they cut me down, when can i trust someone? Can i trust you? No. Instead i'm out here writing this blog to people i don't know....

 Maybe, it's time to let go, time to give up, go away and start again. Maybe, it was a mistake, it wasn't worth it. What was will stay in the past, what is to come will come, what is now, what is now is what is now. Soon maybe, i'll just disappear, goodbye to people that i care about, but don't care about me. Goodbye to the things i love most, to the people that i love, to the orchestra that i poured my heart out to.... My time is up, off the stage, goodbye friends, the finest group of people i have ever known, if you guys are reading this one day, be it near future or a long time away, i just wanna say, thank you. To every musician, be it amatuer or professional, that ever gave me something to move on with..

No one tries, even though i try so hard.. Can you understand me?

Useless

All this time i've been trying to prove myself, taking risks, an undefined amount of sacrifice, i did them for you guys, but ... (here goes).. you don't give a fuck about how i feel, you don't know, all the tears and blood i shed and lost for all of you, you never gave me consolation, i left, you didn't care, no word of advice, no nothing. So fucking pissing me off...

I tried so damn hard to keep up, to help you, the people, all them fucking idiots that don't give a fuck about me, you seriously think i'm stupid? Well, you proved that, and don't think a fucking second i would return, i will NEVER help you again, all the wounds, you don't care. Even after giving up everything i come back to help you guys, fine, you did it , without me, I'M DONE. I'm sick of all you jerks, you idiots, you fucking a-holes that don't appreciate or care about other people, THINKING your the best. Good riddance, i don't want to have a shit to do with you.

All this time, i've been hurting, and you, you're older than me. I sought for guidance from you, what did you give me? NOTHING! I tried so so much to gain your respect, to keep up with your impossible expectations, WTF?! You don't care do you?! Even after practicing again and again, taking blow after blow of all the shit you throw at me, you made me this way. Why did i trust you?! Why? All you cared about was winning, all YOU cared about was yourself.

Bet you didn't expect me, of all the people to stay dedicated huh? Lucky you... Maybe i'm not the best choice, and i could tell that you ain't happy with how things worked out, how things ended up with, i bet all of you are, not happy, you all hate me, for the position i'm in. I guess you chose me because there was absolutely no one else, nobody else, i'm just a sit-in, just for my certificate, you don't care, i'm useless....

Split , me

What was all that sacrificing for? All the indescision? All the pain weighing the pros and cons of the choices laid before me. It was not worth it, maybe it was, but time will tell, seeing things getting torn apart, changed. Maybe it wasn't the decisions, but rather myself, split into two. A side of me craves for the wellbeing of others, yet sometimes empathy empathizes all but ourselves, and the other side of me, is the salve, the part of me where I am able lay the blame on other people, the part where i can slowly tend to my wound. But that very horrid part of me, keeps telling me that i suck , at every possible thing. At first, i did not believe it, but now a full part of my mind sinks into it, it sucked the very soul out of me. When can i find satisfaction? When can i truly believe myself...

    I wanna be free, doing all the things i love without doubt or worry, without the knots that tie me down and chains that imprison me. You don't know what it's like to be me, all you think about is yourself, i am not just some person you can use once and throw me away when you like. It's because of you people, the people that keep telling me that i can't, to stick to reality, to be real, to NOT dream, that i suck, you made me this way. But unfortunately, i believe them, as much as i'd love to dream, but life is real, maybe i just suck, and i have to accept it, they tell me i try too hard, that i try to little, my effort is inconsistent, WTH? What happened to me? Why am i so concerned about what other people think of me? Why am i so split? I wanna be happy, some people think that it's easy to think happy, that people like me who think in such a different way are fools, but they never experienced depression. It's all the matter of the mind, whether one thinks happy or not, but all of us differ in personality, and that is our shape for our future.

  They think it's easy, it's so easy right, they think i understand nothing, know nothing about what we're doing. Those arrogant idiots, thinking something so complicated could be so easily understood, even i myself, only know so little of the complexity of something like that, and you think it's all something you can handle. You think your so good, and you pull me down, saying how : "oh, you can't make it, not you" , tearing me apart, spliting me into two, giving difficulty on some very simple choices. I ask for your opinion, your encourgament, what do you give me? What can you guys give me after i offered so much comfort and healing for you wounds? NOTHING, not nothing, but worse, you use me, and i blindly got used. Thinking your so good, like your the best, really, are you? The images, of these people, these arrogant fools, light up in my mind. Looking down on me, changing me, some so close to me, some i built enmity on...

  Music is my life, it's the only time i can leave from this cage, let this melody play into the world, again and again, a never ending lullaby of comfort, a cushion for all falls, like the pillow an innocent child would rest on, always there, giving us a link to another world, into rest, dreams, healing. But, music, is so liquid, so everchanging, and the world is more rigid, and liquidity and rigidness does not mix, and what is my dream, was my dream.... Time to let go, of hope, of any faith in myself, and stick to the worlds' frames.. time to let go....

Cold Sigh

Other people define me now, i no longer define myself... It took me quite some time to see it, but i see that i have been living with the doubts and views of other people, i ask them what  i am, they tell me something that tears me down so bad it rips me apart, and all that is left is the dust that sets like a cold sigh. I take a deep breath, and the air just fills my lungs heavily, even though i am no where close to old, i already feel so heavy and tired. Things that i used to do everyday, my habits , me, i have change. I'm to lazy, to tired to move, to do anything!

      Everyday drags me like a rag doll, flinging me in different directions again and again, like how a dog would do to a toy. Then, i just get dump, cold , alone, nobody cares, if i rot, if i don't, i'm just somebody else.  I tell you everything, but do you know that? Do you know what it feels like? Cut every single day, sliced, diced, left there all alone?! I care so much, but you don't even give a .... I'm trying to forget, i want to forget, everything i had, cause everything i gained just ended up creating a bigger loss then what i fought for. My friends, i call them my friends, do they consider me one? Huh? Do they hate me, do they dislike me for who i am, i know i'm not the nicest person, they easiest person to relate to, but at least, please, let me know i have someone to count on, someone i know at least that loves me..

     Maybe leaving isn't such a bad idea after all.. i don't think i have the strength to move on.. depression is crushing me ... i can't take it anymore!!!!! Help me..

The Miserable Life of An Unwanted Soul

When is someone going to realise what you have been feeling? Am I just a shadow, someone to follow you around ? I hate it, i hate the way you look down on me, the way you make me feel worthless, deprived from the things I need. 
          To my dearest friends and orchestra, I love you guys so much even though I've known you for less than three years, I love you with all my soul and I only hope for the best. I don't wanna leave you guys but this is a tough decision for me. I hope you understand that i never intended for this to happen nor shall i comply willingly. You will always be a part of my life and my soul, i hope the future turns bright and things change, so i don't have to leave you. Though i have experienced a LOT of hardships and barriers because of you and while i'm with you, i enjoyed the fun parts, where each individual forms an indescribable feeling, and as a whole, a great melody that no one can match.
        My responsibilities are like a whole crap load of junk, some sentimental junk, some useless junk, and some well, junk. I threw away some worthy things, but i keep those that are more important to me, what's the use of having to many posts when no one actually cares for you anymore? What's the use of having some power while all the weight is laid on you? When you're the one people blame first when there's a mistake, when you're the one everyone depends on but they don't give a damn to help. I've been putting on a poker face so long to hear you diss so much crap about me and you don't think i know that you have been talking behind my back all along? You think you're so freakin' good, when you stand in the limelight, thinking you're the star of the show, i'm not your slave, or your dog, or you toy, don't just order me around, ask me to do stuff , and throw me away when you think i'm not good enough! 
       I've had enough of that, since you don't need me anymore i'm leaving, even though i love what i do, but my sacrifice is for the people of the future, to build up what has fallen to ruins, near ashes. The problems for finding a new generation is taking it's toll on me, but i still hope, like i did before, but hope seem false for this year, things have not been better. I have at least three MAJOR MAJOR exams this year, musical theory, piano practical, and one huge public exam. I'm no child prodigy, nor genius in composing , and definitely not a straight A student, but if i do not pass.... I loathe to think about consequenses. But people EXPECT you to be good, to know everything in the textbook, every single useless detail that we have to learn, eight subjects, eight months left to study, to memorize and understand what you have learnt for the past three years, straight A's, best class, perfect results! That's just NOT me , why can't you see that? Why can't you see i'm just not as smart as who you look to , i CANNOT be who you want me to be! 
      I love music, i always have, but i failed to see that until i the recent years, it's a bit too late, but i wanna be who i wanna be, a musician, a performer, someone involved in the arts, drama, the stage! But i doubt i can become one, just another face among the crowd, with zillions shining brighter than me... I guess it's just a dream, and it'll only stay like that....