Split , me

What was all that sacrificing for? All the indescision? All the pain weighing the pros and cons of the choices laid before me. It was not worth it, maybe it was, but time will tell, seeing things getting torn apart, changed. Maybe it wasn't the decisions, but rather myself, split into two. A side of me craves for the wellbeing of others, yet sometimes empathy empathizes all but ourselves, and the other side of me, is the salve, the part of me where I am able lay the blame on other people, the part where i can slowly tend to my wound. But that very horrid part of me, keeps telling me that i suck , at every possible thing. At first, i did not believe it, but now a full part of my mind sinks into it, it sucked the very soul out of me. When can i find satisfaction? When can i truly believe myself...

    I wanna be free, doing all the things i love without doubt or worry, without the knots that tie me down and chains that imprison me. You don't know what it's like to be me, all you think about is yourself, i am not just some person you can use once and throw me away when you like. It's because of you people, the people that keep telling me that i can't, to stick to reality, to be real, to NOT dream, that i suck, you made me this way. But unfortunately, i believe them, as much as i'd love to dream, but life is real, maybe i just suck, and i have to accept it, they tell me i try too hard, that i try to little, my effort is inconsistent, WTH? What happened to me? Why am i so concerned about what other people think of me? Why am i so split? I wanna be happy, some people think that it's easy to think happy, that people like me who think in such a different way are fools, but they never experienced depression. It's all the matter of the mind, whether one thinks happy or not, but all of us differ in personality, and that is our shape for our future.

  They think it's easy, it's so easy right, they think i understand nothing, know nothing about what we're doing. Those arrogant idiots, thinking something so complicated could be so easily understood, even i myself, only know so little of the complexity of something like that, and you think it's all something you can handle. You think your so good, and you pull me down, saying how : "oh, you can't make it, not you" , tearing me apart, spliting me into two, giving difficulty on some very simple choices. I ask for your opinion, your encourgament, what do you give me? What can you guys give me after i offered so much comfort and healing for you wounds? NOTHING, not nothing, but worse, you use me, and i blindly got used. Thinking your so good, like your the best, really, are you? The images, of these people, these arrogant fools, light up in my mind. Looking down on me, changing me, some so close to me, some i built enmity on...

  Music is my life, it's the only time i can leave from this cage, let this melody play into the world, again and again, a never ending lullaby of comfort, a cushion for all falls, like the pillow an innocent child would rest on, always there, giving us a link to another world, into rest, dreams, healing. But, music, is so liquid, so everchanging, and the world is more rigid, and liquidity and rigidness does not mix, and what is my dream, was my dream.... Time to let go, of hope, of any faith in myself, and stick to the worlds' frames.. time to let go....